TEMPER TANTRUMS AND HOW TO DEAL WITH IT: ONCE AND FOR ALL!
There is no parent who does not have to deal with temper tantrums and if you find one that says they did not have to deal with it…they are either lying blatantly or they conveniently forgot about it. This is part of any parenting, yet most of the parenting expectations set out by our culture tends to prise the parents who seem to not have kids with tantrums! Where does it leave you, the normal mom or dad that just wants what is best for your little loved one?
There is no perfect child, thus, there is no perfect parent! Stop reminiscing about how it should be, but rather deal with what is at hand. The Tantrum!!! (Normally displayed when you least expect it).
We, as parents, have degrees, we have ample education, and we have skills in dealing with the world out there. Yet…I cannot remember my children being born with manuals (never alone lecturers). So, please understand that this article is written for the parents who are out there that is normal and just trying their best to get what is right for them, their child and their whole family!
I found that at home, there are predictable situations that can be expected to trigger temper tantrums, such as bedtime, suppertime, getting up, getting dressed, bath time, watching TV, parent talking on the phone, visitors at the house, family visiting another house, car rides, public places, family activities involving siblings, interactions with peers, and playtime. Other settings include transitions between activities, on the school bus, getting ready to work, interactions with other children, directives from the teacher, group activities, answering questions in class, individual seat work, and the playground.
All young children from time to time will whine, complain, resist, cling, argue, hit, shout, run, and defy their teachers and parents. Mine did! Temper tantrums, although normal, can become upsetting to teachers and parents because they are embarrassing, challenging, and difficult to manage. On the other hand, temper tantrums can become special problems when they occur with greater frequency, intensity, and duration than is typical for the age of your child.
In my experience with children in my practice, as well as what was stated in literature I found 9 different types of temperaments in children:- A distractible temperament that surely will predispose your child to pay more attention to his or her surroundings more than to the caregiver.
- A hyperactive temperament that predisposes your child to respond with fine- or gross-motor activity.
- A high intensity level temperament that means your child would yell, scream, or hit hard when feeling threatened.
- A negative persistent temperament is seen when your child seems stuck in his or her whining and complaining.
- An irregular temperament that causes your child to move towards the escape of the source of stress by needing to eat, drink, sleep, or use the bathroom at irregular times when he or she does not really have the need.
- A low sensory threshold temperament that is evident when your child complains about tight clothes and people staring and refuses to be touched by others.
- An initial withdrawal temperament is found when children get clingy, shy, and unresponsive in new situations and around unfamiliar people.
- A poor adaptability temperament shows in children shows itself when children resist, shut down, and become passive-aggressive when asked to change activities.
- A negative mood temperament is seen in children who appear lethargic, sad, and lack the energy to perform a task.
I can mention a lot about the developmental stages of children and how they would show their temper. For the sake of the article I would rather like to focus on how to handle a tantrum!
It is much easier to prevent temper tantrums than it is to manage them once they have erupted.
Here are some tips for preventing temper tantrums and some things you can say: - Give children control over little things. By providing choices, you could manage the latter. A little bit of power given to your child can stave off the big power struggles later. “Which do you want to do first, brush your teeth or put on your PJ’s?”
- Do not ask children to do something when they must do what you ask. Do not ask, “Would you like to eat now?” Say, “its suppertime now.” You will set yourself up to fail!
- Reward children for positive attention rather than negative attention. During situations when they are prone to temper tantrums, catch them when they are being good and say such things as, “Nice job sharing with your friend.” This will carry you a long way!
- Keep off-limit objects out of sight and therefore out of mind. In an art activity keep the scissors out of reach if children are not ready to use them safely.
- Change environments, thus removing your child from the source of the temper tantrum. Say, “Let’s go for a walk.”
- Distract children by redirection to another activity when they tantrum over something they should not do or cannot have. Say, “Let’s read a book together.” If they choose not to follow your directions…IGNORE! Kids hate missing out!
- Choose your battles. Teach children how to make a request without a temper tantrum and then honour the request. Say, “Try asking for that toy nicely and I’ll get it for you.” We tend to tell children what they should not do, but forget to add what we want them to do.
- Avoid boredom. Say, “You have been working for a long time. Let’s take a break and do something fun.” It is a challenge to be creative in such a way. It does pay off!!!
- Make sure that children are well rested and fed in situations in which a temper tantrum is more likely to be expected. Say, “Supper is almost ready, here’s a cracker for now.” If you are with friends or family…keep the routine as far as you can!
- Create a safe environment that will allow your children to explore without getting into trouble. Childproof your home or alternative space to allow your child to explore safely. Not an easy task, but if you can eliminate the possibilities…you eliminate the chances of a tantrum! Also make sure that you do the latter in a personalized fashion. Don’t make I your guests responsibility! They will think twice to invite you again if you don’t!
- Increase your tolerance level. None of us are born with this skill. Sometimes kids are sent to us, in order to achieve this noble skill! Are you available to meet your child’s reasonable needs? Evaluate how many times you say, “No.” Avoid fighting over minor things.
- Establish routines and traditions that add structure. For teachers, start class with a sharing time and ample opportunity for interaction. For parents…why do you think what is important at home is not so important when you are in a public space or friends? Be consistent in this.
- Signal children before you reach the end of an activity so that they can get prepared for the transition. Say, “When the timer goes off in 5 minutes from now it will be time to turn off the TV and go to bed.” If your child is still young, count from 1-3!
- When visiting new places or unfamiliar people explain to your child beforehand what to expect. We tend to just expect our little ones to know what is expected. How will they learn if you do not tell them? Say, “Stay with your assigned buddy in the museum.” “Do not walk out of the door whilst we are in the restaurant” etc.
- Provide pre-academic, behavioural, and social challenges that are at your child’s developmental level so that your child does not become frustrated. Please do not expect your child to be greater than its peers in this regard. If other people and children enjoy your child, he or she will enjoy themselves too! Identity is socially constructed!
- Keep a sense of humour to divert your child’s attention and surprise your child out of the tantrum. I found mimicking their faces or behaviour (as odd as it may look to the public), seems to get my little ones out of the mood to disrupt. They are so intrigued by my behaviour that they forgot about their tantrum!
There are a number of ways to handle a temper tantrum: - Yes, everybody says this…but because it works! Remain calm and do not argue with your child. Before you manage your child, you must manage your own behaviour. Spanking or yelling at your child will make the tantrum worse. You just ridicule yourself in the process! Losing it with our young one is the same as having a tantrum. You teach them no new behaviour.
- Think before you act. Count to 10 and then think about the source of your child’s frustration, this child’s characteristic temperamental response to stress (hyperactivity, distractibility, moodiness), and the predictable steps in the escalation of the temper tantrum.
- You can positively distract your child by getting your child focused on something else that is an acceptable activity. For example, you might remove the unsafe item and replace with an age-appropriate toy.
- Try to intervene before your child is out of control. Get down at your child’s eye level and say, “You are starting to get revved up, slow down.” Now you have several choices of intervention.
- You can place your child in “time out”. Time out is a quiet place where your child goes to calm down, think about what he or she needs to do, and, with your help, make a plan to change their behaviour. The latter is your ultimate goal. Do you really want to repeat everything you do or say?
- You can ignore the tantrum if it is being thrown to get your attention. You know your child well enough to know the difference! Once your child calms down, give the attention that is desired.
- Hold your child who is out of control and is going to hurt himself or herself or someone else. Let your child know that you will let him or her go as soon as he or she calms down. Reassure your child that everything will be all right, and help your child calm down. Parents may need to hug their child who is crying, and say they will always love him or her no matter what, but that the behaviour has to change. This reassurance can be comforting for a child who may be afraid because he or she lost control.
- If your child has escalated the tantrum to the point where you are not able to intervene in the ways described above, then you may need to direct your child to time-out. If you are in a public place, carry your child outside or to the car. Tell your child the consequences (that you will go home unless he or she calms down). If your child refuses to comply, then place him or her in time-out for no more than 1 minute for each year of age.
- Talk with your little one after s/he has calmed down. When your child stops crying, talk about the frustration your child has experienced. Try to help solve the problem if possible.
For the future, teach your child new skills to help avoid temper tantrums such as how to ask appropriately for help and how to signal a parent or teacher that the he or she knows they need to go to “time away” to “stop, think, and make a plan.” Teach your child how to try a more successful way of interacting with a peer or sibling, how to express his or her feelings with words and recognize the feelings of others without hitting and screaming.
Okay, now what do you do after the tantrum is dealt with? Never, under any circumstances, give in to a tantrum. That response will only increase the number and frequency of the tantrums. You tell your child that it works to through a tantrum by giving in! Explain to them what they need to do! Explain to your child that there are better ways to get what he or she wants. Do not reward your child after a tantrum for calming down. Some children will learn that a temper tantrum is a good way to get a treat later. Never let the temper tantrum interfere with your otherwise positive relationship with your child. Teach your child that anger is a feeling that we all have and then teach her ways to express anger constructively.
These words are put down shortly. Just remember you are the best parent you can be and never forget to do parenting without conviction! If you need more advice in this regard, contact R&B Psychologists on 021-981 0111. Together we can make it better!
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